There are some books that I have read many times, that have made an impact on how I understand the world, that have influenced my professional growth, or that have touched me in deep ways. They become a part of me. Sometimes, after many years, the words of an author become words that I use in my own thinking and speaking. In a sense the words of the author become my words. Sometimes I go back to the original text, read it again, and discover that there is a nuance that I missed. Sometimes when I re-read a familiar text it presents me with a fresh and exciting new understanding.

People who are Muslim, Jewish, and Christian are sometimes referred to as “people of the book.” Because these three religions share common scriptures, our religion and worldview are shaped by shared words. The scriptures that have been called the Old Testament, those originally written in Hebrew, are shared by all three religions as sacred writings. Muslims recognize all of the Christian Bible as scripture and have an additional volume, the Quran. For centuries our people have shared the same words, read them over and over again, gained insight for living, and incorporated them into our religious ceremonies and activities.

As a student of scripture, I continue to find new meaning in words that our people have treasured for generation after generation. Sometimes I have been honored to serve as a teacher of scripture, sharing with others some of the history behind the words, and some of the ways in which those words have been used by religious leaders and followers. I enjoy teaching in part because I always learn when I teach. Preparing for class and engaging students opens new understandings and meanings for me.

Of course my life is touched by other words as well. Libraries are among my favorite places in the world. I love browsing through stacks of books where I see some volumes that are totally new to me and others that have become friends over the years. I often to to the sections inhabited by familiar authors just to check to see if there are new books by that author. Books have a special place in our home. Many of our books reside on shelves in the first room one enters upon passing through our front door. It is a wonderful place for me. I often will stand and look through the titles on the shelves, pulling out a volume, rearranging the order of the books on the shelves, thinking about how ideas influence one another.

Some of my favorite books have been on shelves in many different rooms. One of the books that has been around for a long time was purchased on the second Valentine’s Day that Susan and I shared. It was purchased at the Seminary Co-op Bookstore, an institution of which we are still members. the price was $6.95. I know these details because in those days I wrote in pencil on page 31 of each new book the date, place, and price of purchase along with the catalogue number from the Library of Congress. This particular book falls open to pages 30 and 31 because they are part of a section that I have read over and over and over again.

The Book is titled, “The Intimate Marriage.” It is by Howard and Charlotte Clinebell and was published in 1970. At that time Charlotte was a psychiatric social worker practicing family therapy at a clinic in California. Howard was professor of pastoral counseling at the School of Theology of Claremont. I am quite sure that the book had been recommended to us by teachers and pastors. The fact that I was willing to spend nearly $7 on a book that wasn’t required as a textbook in the leanest days of our student experience means it was important. We’ve shared 51 Valentine’s Days as wife and husband and I doubt if I’ve spent that portion of our resources on a Valentine’s gift for very many of them. I suspect that the holiday somehow gave me permission to splurge on a purchase that I had been contemplating for some time.

In the book the Clinebells write of many different facets or dimensions of intimacy. They observe that each relationship has its unique balance of these different qualities. Emotional intimacy is sharing feelings and meanings. Intellectual intimacy is haring ideas. Aesthetic intimacy come from sharing experiences of beauty. Creative intimacy comes from sharing skills in generating something new. Recreational intimacy comes from playing together. Work intimacy comes from sharing common tasks. Crisis intimacy comes from a variety of challenges over which the couple has little or no control. Commitment intimacy comes from understanding that together a couple is dedicated to something bigger than themselves. Sexual intimacy, (which the Clinebells discuss first) is physical closeness. Spiritual intimacy comes through the sharing of ultimate concerns and meanings of life. Of course this paragraph doesn’t begin to justice to the book, but perhaps it gives a flavor for someone who has not read it.

For me this list of dimensions of intimacy has been central to understanding the marriage I share with my wife. It has also been central to the teaching and counseling I have shared with couples over the decades of my career. These different ways of drawing close to another human being have helped me identify strengths and challenges in the marriages of couples who come to me for help. They have been helpful to couples preparing to marry who have come for counseling prior to the ceremony.

Beyond the use of the book in my professional life, it has given me a framework to explore the precious gift that we have been given in a long and loving marriage. We have been fortunate to have worked together, side by side as members of the same leadership team for 44 years of our marriage. We have job shared, handing off tasks to one another. And we have co-parented and co-grandparented. Our life together has been a gem with many facets and the Clinebells have given us a framework to understand its beauty.

The book is either still in print, back in print, or available on print on demand. Used copies are available from many online vendors. Next February our copy will have been in our home for 50 years and it seems to be in good shape for many years to come. Like so many other volumes, it is a treasured friend.